u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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