An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You are a genius and a whore.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
