life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You brought string cheese to the strip club
BRING THE BAGELS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
