Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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