I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
