mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am one with the molecules
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
