just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
