I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
