I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No subtext here. People are naked.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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