if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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