I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
