when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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