why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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