I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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