I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
