I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
