This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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