I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
