ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
