I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
