Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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