If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
