nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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