Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
