I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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