I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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