I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
worst night to have a conscience
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
