She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
