Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
