i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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