Can i not drive my cunt home
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
