So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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