Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
