That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
