just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
