Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just pynch a tree in the face
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
