if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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