Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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