Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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