I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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