the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
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Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
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Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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