I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
