I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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