her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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