I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
