You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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