i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
