Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
