3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
