They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
