People with herpes should wear stickers.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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