I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
