When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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