Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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