rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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