she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
