Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
