opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
