I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
