i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
